


Stop Touching My Butt

by DeanStraightWinchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas got drunk, Cas is a human, Cas likes 80's songs, Cas really likes touching Dean's butt, Dean brought him to a bar to cheer him up, Dean doesn't like when Cas touches his butt, Dean is done, Sober!Dean, drunk!Cas, during season 9, human!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 19:14:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3821686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeanStraightWinchester/pseuds/DeanStraightWinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel let Dean drag him to a bar. But it turns out Cas as a human is a lightweight, can't walk when he's drunk, and also likes singing 80's songs and Dean's butt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stop Touching My Butt

Dean regrets ever suggesting they go to a bar. But Cas looked so sad in the bunker while Dean and Sam were looking for a way to reverse the spell Metatron had used. Dean just wanted his friend to be happy, beer and strippers made Dean happy so he figured they'd make Cas happy too. However Cas outright refused to go to a strip club, so Dean just took him to a bar.

And Cas is definitely not made for drinking. A shot and a beer in and Cas is giggling at _who knows what_. Dean has been sitting at the table they have for the past 30 minutes with his water just watching Cas looking around and giggling. He was a little entertained, especially when the brunette came over to their table and started flirting with them. Cas was too focused on the freckles on her face and asking her if they could connect and make a picture.

But when Cas started slipping out of his chair, Dean decided enough was enough. "Alright fella, lets go home." He shoved his wallet and phone in his back pocket, and helped Cas to stand up before he went to pay the bill. However when he came back, Cas was sitting down again. "Cas, you gotta get up so we can walk home." Dean would rather drive home, but Sam refused to let him take the Impala for what ever reason.

Dean kind of hoped Sam would get laid already, he was sure that Sam's pissy mood was because he hadn't had a good night for 4 years. But he was more worried about how Sam was healing from the trials, hoping that Ezekiel could heal Sam soon then get the hell out of his brother.

Cas tried to stand up again, looking dazed and not even there. He swayed again before Dean saw he was going to fall and reached forward to catch him. He swung Cas' right arm around his own shoulder and tried to bend down to Cas' height so the angel-turned-human would be able to walk. "C'mon Cas, walk." He muttered, annoyed.

"Dean? Dee, Deedee. Your name is funny Dee." Cas slurred, and Dean just barely understood them. "Where are my legs Deedee?" Cas mumbled, looking down at where his legs were very confused.

"My name isn't- Screw it." Dean muttered, bending down and picking Cas up and slinging the man over his shoulder. He held Cas' legs by his face, and the rest of Cas' body was hanging behind his back.

He gave a tight-lipped smile to the manager as he walked by and out the door. Dean tried to ignore how annoying it was to carry Cas like this and made his way down the road. The bunker was about 4 miles down, and Dean was not looking forward to any of the walk.

Dean sighed and adjusted his grip on Cas' legs before he started walking down. It was dark by now and he had to focus really hard where he walked because they were walking on a main road and Dean didn't feel like being hit by a car tonight on top of everything else. He was about 4 minutes in when he felt something smack his butt.

"Dean your butt is _very_ squishy." Cas mumbled, and Dean stiffened, coming to a halt by the road. "Why'd you stop Deanie?" Cas mumbled.

" _Don't touch my butt Cas_." Dean spoke loud and clear, continuing to walk. However he felt two hands smacking his butt, and he gripped a little too tight on Cas' leg.

" _Deedee_ my leg hurts stop it." Cas mumbled, and Dean gripped harder.

" _Stop touching my butt Cas._ " Dean practically growled out, very annoyed that his drunk friend wouldn't just _stop._ Cas gave up, apparently though, and Dean let out a loud sigh. Finally, nobody was touching _his butt._

" _If you like piña coladas, and gettin' caught in da rain._ "* Dean listened real hard to even understand what Cas was singing. " _If your makin' love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape._ "* Dean rolled his eyes.

"Cas, if your gonna sing, sing good songs." He told the man, but Cas didn't listen, instead he switched songs. 

" _You know I wish that I had JESSIE'S GIRL!"º_ Cas screamed the lyrics, flailing and trying to lift his body up from being pressed against Dean's back. However his muscles were not working right while he was drunk, and all he did was lift his torso up a little bit and then fell back on Dean's back and ended up with his face in Dean's butt.

"CAS! GET OUT OF MY ASS!" Dean yelled, and Cas lifted his head up a little bit. Dean growled, and pulled Cas up farther so he wasn't putting his face in Dean's butt.

"Deanie-Weanie do you like girls?" Cas asked, then before Dean could even answer. "Do you want Jessie's girl too?"

"Yes Cas, I like women. No Cas, I don't want Jessie's girl." Dean answered, deciding not to fight the drunk man. He instead focused on walking, left foot right foot, left right left right. Ignore Cas. Ignore his hands on your ass, ignore- _wait_. "Cas, I swear to God if you don't stop touching my ass I'm leaving you on the damn sidewalk."

"I thought you liked boys Deanie-Weanie. You're always- how do you persons say it- checking out other boys and you love Doctor Sexy more than pie, I think." Cas seemed to think about something for a little bit before he added, "Is Jessie's girl not good enough for you?

"Cas, shut up." Dean muttered, forgetting how long it was they had been walking. He knew it took a while to walk up, but they had run part of the way. However now Cas was way too drunk to even walk, much less run. And now that Dean realized where they were, he knew they still had about 3 and a half more miles to go. "Kill me." He muttered to himself.

Cas gasped very loudly. "DEANIE-BOO!" He yelled. "NEVER SPEAK LIKE THAT! You are so important on this Earth you help lots and lots of people and you stopped the apocalypse and you are gonna save us from Abadog and your so special Dean I love you!" Cas then threw his hands around Dean's waist and hugged tight, his head was just about Dean's butt.

"Cas let go." Dean muttered, shaking the man's legs to get his attention.

* * *

A mile and a half later, and Dean was ready to strangle Cas. But thankfully, Cas had fallen asleep and was now limply hanging off of Dean's shoulder. Dean however was tired and grumpy, which isn't really different from any other day but he was ten times more tired and ten times more grumpy, and very impatient.

And his shoulder was hurting now. Dean stopped to adjust Cas so that he was resting bridal style in Dean's arms. Castiel, luckily, did not stir when Dean moved him and was dead asleep. Dean wondered why he didn't just start off carrying Cas like this, as it was much easier and gave Cas less access to his butt.

Dean was convinced Cas had an ass fetish. Cas was non-stop touching Dean's butt, commenting on how "squishy" it is. Dean was very annoyed, and eventually he kind of gave up, and only gripped Cas' thighs tighter. There were going to be bruises there in the morning.

However, the peace did not last, and Cas woke up when Dean was just getting to two miles left. "Dean, you have freckles." Was the first thing he said, before closing his eyes again. Dean didn't comment, hoping he'd just go back to sleep and not say anything. "Someone once told me freckles come from angel kisses, were you kissed by lots of angels?" Cas then asked.

"No Cas, they're from the sun." Dean answered, trying to keep his voice low so that maybe Cas would just go back to sleep and Dean could worry about other things that were more important than his drunk friend.

"Can I give you angel kisses too?" Cas asked, peering up at Dean from his arms. Dean shook his head. Cas pushed himself up anyway, and before Dean could react and push him away, gave Dean a slobber-filled beer smelling kiss on his cheek. Dean almost dropped Cas, except for the fact that Cas would be wide away after that.

"Cas. Just stop talking, and touching me." Dean muttered, trying to ignore the spit dripping down his cheek. It was gross, and unsanitary, which made Dean want to hang himself since he couldn't do anything about it right now.

Cas giggled and started singing again. " _Now I gotta cut loose, footloose! Kick of ya Sunday shoes!_ "ª Cas swung his arms again, this time hitting Dean in the face. 

"CASTIEL YOU ARE SO DAMN ANNOYING I SWEAR TO GOD!" Dean yelled, but Cas didn't seem to really care. He pulled his arms in, but kept singing.

* * *

They were finally home, and Cas was once again asleep. It took them about 45 minutes to walk home, and Dean was sure part of that was because Cas had to throw up in the bushes. But now they were at the bunker, and Dean walked in to find Sam still up studying the library.

Dean dropped Cas on a chair, and Sam laughed as he saw them come in. "Hey Sam." Dean muttered. "I'm gonna go to bed, deal with that." He pointed to Cas and then started to head down the hallway to his room.

"You know, you could have called me to pick you up!" Sam called after him. Dean stopped for a moment, thinking it through. Why _didn't_ he just call Sam to pick them up? Instead of saying anything though, he gave the finger to Sam and kept walking down the hallway, he heard Sam laughing.

Dean learned a little tonight. For one, Cas likes his butt and 80's songs, and also he's never ever going to bring Cas to a bar again.

**Author's Note:**

> Songs:  
> *Escape (The Pina Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes  
> ºJessie's Girl by Rick Springfield  
> ªFootloose by Kenny Loggins
> 
> WOO! I got this idea from a tumblr post but I don't know where it is, I hope you liked it :)   
> I find myself hilarious though.


End file.
